2021

 I just read my last post February 2020.  At that time we didn't realize our world was about to change.  Covid 19.  A new scary virus that brought our world to its knees.   So many people were getting sick and dying.  So much misinformation was being published.  So much ugliness.  So much fear.  We stayed home from work and school  We scrambled to work from home, to learn from home and to stay safe.  Hand sanitizer, masks - they are now a way of life for all of us.  Wash your hands, stay 6-feet apart and wear your mask!  That was our battle cry.  

The kids were home from school from Spring Break 2020 until the first week of September 2020.  They ended their school year online and on Zoom.  They began their school year the same way, but on September 4, 2020 they got to go back to school.  I am sure they were more uncertain and fearful than they admitted, but they were so excited and happy to be back.  I worked from home from March 23-June 1.  After that I was back at the office.  Usually there was only a few of us.  Still is.  If I had to be perfectly honest, I kind of liked the "pause".  It was great to just have all of us together, in our hut.  But, as of September 4 we were pretty much back to "normal".  Other than celebrating with our families and traveling we are working and going to school.  Thomas is playing basketball and Sammy is playing soccer.  But, there's always the dread in the back of your mind.  Will we be okay?  Are we safe.  We are over a  year into this new virus and strides are being made to treat it.  3 Vaccines are out and people are debating whether or not to get it.  It's an odd time for sure.

I have the same concerns I did a year ago about my parenting but I'm trying harder to just be.

2020

It is going by way too fast.  Thomas is 15.  Sammy is 13.  High School and Middle School.  Damn.  I was so tired and so overwhelmed when they were little.  Now, I'm mom who harps on them to do their chores while they would rather be playing video games or watching videos about the newest way to dance, put on make up or just laugh.  I get it, but I really miss them.  I miss then needing me.  I miss them wanting to laugh with me.  Sometimes, dare I say it, I miss them wanting to be in the bathroom with me.  Well....

We have great kids.  Can they step up their game? Sure.  But, we all can.  I certainly can.  I'm inpatient.  I am scared and frustrated with myself.  Am I teaching them enough?  Am I providing them with the tools and the resources they need to be good people?  I pray I am.  I know they love us and I know they love each other. And, I think they at the very least like themselves.  It's a good foundation.  I pray they have enough.  Enough of me and Tom and enough of themselves.  An abundance of God and an abundance of peace.

Every time I get overwhelmed I try to remind myself to breathe. That one second stops everything and gives me a bit of peace and helps me take a snapshot of right now.   I need to remember that more often then just when I am overwhelmed. 

1 year

Today marks one year since the worse day of my life.  April 21, 2016 was the day my dad was told he had brain cancer.  By me.  After his surgery Dr. Patel told us the terrible news.  Mom and the three of us.  We were both numb and broken.  What in the world were we going to do?  And, how in the world would we do it?  The sadness was unbearable.  What followed was grueling.  Our life was change forever.  My heart hurts thinking about it.  Dad I miss you.  I love you and I am sorry you are gone. But April 21st was the day.  Not December 18th.  April was the day you had to face the awful truth. December you were with Jesus.

Things that make me cry.

I pulled Thomas' last baby tooth last night "Well, mom that's last part of my childhood" he said.  I cried.  I am having surgery on Tuesday for my broken elbow.  I tripped on a broom handle over the weekend and broke it.  I'm scared.  I want to see my babies grow into adults, go to college, get married and have babies and all that stuff we all want to see for our children.  I had a dream last night that during my surgery I saw my dad.  I cried throughout the surgery.  Part of the crying was Dad wanted me to stay with him.  I did not want to stay.  I'm sure he wanted me to stay because heaven is so wonderful; but where I am is pretty awesome.  My kids and my husband are my life.  I love my life and I love my family.

See you later Dad.

My dad died last month.  For 8 long months he dealt with dying.  We were all with him throughout it all, but he had to do it alone.  First was the diagnosis; next was the treatment and prognosis; next was the awful news that nothing could be done.  Step by step he came closer to death.  With saying Good-Bye. We were "lucky" that he got to say Good Bye.  I couldn't ever speak the words while he was alive.  He said "Deb, most are not lucky enough to be able to say Good-Bye."  "I know dad, but not yet", I replied.   I know he wasn't afraid to die.  My words -- He was good with God.  He was afraid to leave us.  To know that my sisters and I would have to look after mom.  Would have to fill his shoes with her.  I know he always had faith in us, but he was still in the background.  He could still offer his help if we needed it.  Now its up to us.  We are doing it.  Mom is coping pretty well, but it's so sad that he is not here.  So sad to look for him and know I'm not going to see him at family gatherings.  So sad to know I can't call him.  I know I can talk to him, but it's just not the same.  I have several voicemail messages from him.  Some before he got too sick, a couple close to the end.  They are heartbreaking to hear.  I miss him.  I miss that we will not be able to talk about stuff.  Every day stuff.  Important stuff.  While we said what I think we needed to say, there will be be things that are new.  I have to have faith that he will hear me when I talk and I have to learn to be still so that I can hear him too.  See ya later Dad.  I love you.

I'm reminded.

Today I was reminded once again that I have an incredible husband.  He is my rock, my love, and I am his love.  I am go very grateful that he consistently tells me so.

I sometimes think I need the grand gesture, then a gentle breeze blows by and I realize I really do not.

It's been Too Long!

I am somewhat certain that I am the only one that reads this Blog anymore.  Partly because I do not "advertise" it and mostly because of FaceBook.  Every thing goes on FaceBook.  It is instant.  FaceBook had its ups and downs.  Ups -- connecting with people from your past (which I guess can also be a down), keeping connected to far-away family.  Downs -- it creates a need to know what is always going on, it creates a false-sense of connectivity, and I think it also creates a feeling that we are not measuring up to everyone else.

So much has happened since my last post.  So much joy.  A little pain and loss and anxious times.  The kids are getting so big.  Samantha just turned 7.  7.  Thomas is about to turn 9.  9!  Thomas is still playing baseball and Samantha is playing soccer.  We are always busy.  A good busy.  I see scrolling down, just the tiniest of bits that he was 4 the last time I really posted. 5 years.  A lifetime.  We have moved and have settled into my dream house.  It's been 2 1/2 years.  I love the neighborhood.  I love the school the kids attend.  We are very happy here.  Tom is so glad we made the move.    Occasionally, the kids will say they miss our old house, but that is usually when I have asked them to go upstairs to get something. 

This past July was our biggest scare yet.  My mom had a stroke, well actually 3.  She lost part of her vision in her right eye, lost a substantial part of her cognitive and balancing abilities.  Miraculously, within 6 weeks she had regained a substantial amount of all that was lost.  We are 4 months out and it is amazing.  We have been blessed with such a gift.  Mom is better than before!  Mom has joy, which has been hidden for so long.  Now it shines from her.  She is not yet driving, but Dad is working with her on this.  Dad.  He has been so patient and loving.  It is apparent that he is so in love with Mom.  They have been married for over 50 years and it is such a gift to us.  Tom and I were talking this morning about how Anniversaries should be celebrated more.  Not just by the couple, but the entire family.  It is a shame that they are not looked upon with the importance that they really are.  My heart is so happy that Mom is doing so well.  

We are truly blessed beyond what we deserve.  Thank you God for all your blessings.  Thank you for giving us the grace and strength to get through the trials.  Thank you for opening our eyes to the silver linings and the treasures beneath the surface.