2020

It is going by way too fast.  Thomas is 15.  Sammy is 13.  High School and Middle School.  Damn.  I was so tired and so overwhelmed when they were little.  Now, I'm mom who harps on them to do their chores while they would rather be playing video games or watching videos about the newest way to dance, put on make up or just laugh.  I get it, but I really miss them.  I miss then needing me.  I miss them wanting to laugh with me.  Sometimes, dare I say it, I miss them wanting to be in the bathroom with me.  Well....

We have great kids.  Can they step up their game? Sure.  But, we all can.  I certainly can.  I'm inpatient.  I am scared and frustrated with myself.  Am I teaching them enough?  Am I providing them with the tools and the resources they need to be good people?  I pray I am.  I know they love us and I know they love each other. And, I think they at the very least like themselves.  It's a good foundation.  I pray they have enough.  Enough of me and Tom and enough of themselves.  An abundance of God and an abundance of peace.

Every time I get overwhelmed I try to remind myself to breathe. That one second stops everything and gives me a bit of peace and helps me take a snapshot of right now.   I need to remember that more often then just when I am overwhelmed. 

1 year

Today marks one year since the worse day of my life.  April 21, 2016 was the day my dad was told he had brain cancer.  By me.  After his surgery Dr. Patel told us the terrible news.  Mom and the three of us.  We were both numb and broken.  What in the world were we going to do?  And, how in the world would we do it?  The sadness was unbearable.  What followed was grueling.  Our life was change forever.  My heart hurts thinking about it.  Dad I miss you.  I love you and I am sorry you are gone. But April 21st was the day.  Not December 18th.  April was the day you had to face the awful truth. December you were with Jesus.

Things that make me cry.

I pulled Thomas' last baby tooth last night "Well, mom that's last part of my childhood" he said.  I cried.  I am having surgery on Tuesday for my broken elbow.  I tripped on a broom handle over the weekend and broke it.  I'm scared.  I want to see my babies grow into adults, go to college, get married and have babies and all that stuff we all want to see for our children.  I had a dream last night that during my surgery I saw my dad.  I cried throughout the surgery.  Part of the crying was Dad wanted me to stay with him.  I did not want to stay.  I'm sure he wanted me to stay because heaven is so wonderful; but where I am is pretty awesome.  My kids and my husband are my life.  I love my life and I love my family.

See you later Dad.

My dad died last month.  For 8 long months he dealt with dying.  We were all with him throughout it all, but he had to do it alone.  First was the diagnosis; next was the treatment and prognosis; next was the awful news that nothing could be done.  Step by step he came closer to death.  With saying Good-Bye. We were "lucky" that he got to say Good Bye.  I couldn't ever speak the words while he was alive.  He said "Deb, most are not lucky enough to be able to say Good-Bye."  "I know dad, but not yet", I replied.   I know he wasn't afraid to die.  My words -- He was good with God.  He was afraid to leave us.  To know that my sisters and I would have to look after mom.  Would have to fill his shoes with her.  I know he always had faith in us, but he was still in the background.  He could still offer his help if we needed it.  Now its up to us.  We are doing it.  Mom is coping pretty well, but it's so sad that he is not here.  So sad to look for him and know I'm not going to see him at family gatherings.  So sad to know I can't call him.  I know I can talk to him, but it's just not the same.  I have several voicemail messages from him.  Some before he got too sick, a couple close to the end.  They are heartbreaking to hear.  I miss him.  I miss that we will not be able to talk about stuff.  Every day stuff.  Important stuff.  While we said what I think we needed to say, there will be be things that are new.  I have to have faith that he will hear me when I talk and I have to learn to be still so that I can hear him too.  See ya later Dad.  I love you.

I'm reminded.

Today I was reminded once again that I have an incredible husband.  He is my rock, my love, and I am his love.  I am go very grateful that he consistently tells me so.

I sometimes think I need the grand gesture, then a gentle breeze blows by and I realize I really do not.

It's been Too Long!

I am somewhat certain that I am the only one that reads this Blog anymore.  Partly because I do not "advertise" it and mostly because of FaceBook.  Every thing goes on FaceBook.  It is instant.  FaceBook had its ups and downs.  Ups -- connecting with people from your past (which I guess can also be a down), keeping connected to far-away family.  Downs -- it creates a need to know what is always going on, it creates a false-sense of connectivity, and I think it also creates a feeling that we are not measuring up to everyone else.

So much has happened since my last post.  So much joy.  A little pain and loss and anxious times.  The kids are getting so big.  Samantha just turned 7.  7.  Thomas is about to turn 9.  9!  Thomas is still playing baseball and Samantha is playing soccer.  We are always busy.  A good busy.  I see scrolling down, just the tiniest of bits that he was 4 the last time I really posted. 5 years.  A lifetime.  We have moved and have settled into my dream house.  It's been 2 1/2 years.  I love the neighborhood.  I love the school the kids attend.  We are very happy here.  Tom is so glad we made the move.    Occasionally, the kids will say they miss our old house, but that is usually when I have asked them to go upstairs to get something. 

This past July was our biggest scare yet.  My mom had a stroke, well actually 3.  She lost part of her vision in her right eye, lost a substantial part of her cognitive and balancing abilities.  Miraculously, within 6 weeks she had regained a substantial amount of all that was lost.  We are 4 months out and it is amazing.  We have been blessed with such a gift.  Mom is better than before!  Mom has joy, which has been hidden for so long.  Now it shines from her.  She is not yet driving, but Dad is working with her on this.  Dad.  He has been so patient and loving.  It is apparent that he is so in love with Mom.  They have been married for over 50 years and it is such a gift to us.  Tom and I were talking this morning about how Anniversaries should be celebrated more.  Not just by the couple, but the entire family.  It is a shame that they are not looked upon with the importance that they really are.  My heart is so happy that Mom is doing so well.  

We are truly blessed beyond what we deserve.  Thank you God for all your blessings.  Thank you for giving us the grace and strength to get through the trials.  Thank you for opening our eyes to the silver linings and the treasures beneath the surface.

Moving

Well, not yet. But, in my mind I am already in our new home. In that home I will be an amazing wife, mother, housekeeper, hostess. I'm not too bad now, but after we move in the house we have not yet bought, I will be brilliant! There are many steps to go before that day. Signing a new mortgage, packing ever stitch of possessions our family has, and then unpacking. I know I sound silly. How will a move transform me into something I clearly am not? Hope and faith. Tremendous hope!

My [private] Kindergartener and almost 3 year old

I cannot believe it have not posted to this site for so long. As you can tell from the picture, the kids are certainly growing. Thomas started private Kindergarten today and Samantha started the 3-year old class. We are now at a new school/day care and I have a really good feeling this was a good move for us.

Dig the boots? I tried to convince Thomas that he did not need the boots (upper 90's today, with not a chance of rain) and that he would not be able to run in them when he went outside to play. He convinced me (after running around the house without tripping) that he needed them. I didn't even try to convince Samantha to leave Barney home.

Thank you, President Bush

Many do not agree with your views. Many demonize you. Many just straight up hate you. However, we all must be grateful to you. You have kept us safe. You have displayed great grace and dignity during many difficult times. Thank you for being the kind of leader I can teach my children to look up to. Thank you for showing graciousness, compassion and strength in a world that displays anger, hate and weakness.

Happy Birthday Dear Thomas

You are 4! What a great age you are. Everything is new. Everything is something you want to know more about. You are such a fun little boy; however, in this picture you look twice your age! Mommy and Daddy are so proud that you are our son. We Love You.

Happy Birthday Dear Samantha,

Happy Birthday to You! Our little baby is 2. Samantha is growing up so quickly. She is singing songs, "ABC's," "The Wheels on the Bus," and "Old McDonald" are her favorites. She is learning her colors and letters (well, when she sees a letter she says they are her ABCs), she is almost potty trained, and is carrying on conversations with just about anyone who will listen. She loves her big bother, Thomas, so very much. And he loves her.

It's Fall

Sunday

We did it -- attempted Mass with both Thomas and Samantha. It started out well. Thomas said that Jesus was up on the cross, we were going to say our prayers and he would be good. Sam still had her shoes on. As we walked in I noticed several beautiful babies – all in white. Thomas and Samantha noticed the large baptismal font. Oh oh……baptisms. While usually a wonderful ceremony, not so good with two little ones an hour away from lunch time. Poor planning on my part. Well, Mass started late and ran even later. We left the big church to sit out front with the other little ones, but couldn’t stay. While I was so disappointed that we didn’t even get to the Profession of Faith, never mind Communion, I did get to sign Alleluia! with Samantha in my arms, and we were there for about an hour. Next time, we will be able to make the entire service; I am sure.

Welcome to the World Little Addison

Born yesterday, August 5, 2008 at 6:10 p.m., and weighing 7 lbs, 3 oz., this sweet little girl entered our life (she has been in our hearts for the past 9 months!) Kenny and Brittany have been blessed with a beautiful little life to love, care for, and raise. They both will be wonderful parents. Addison is a lucky little girl!

Sunday Lunch

After eating, running around like Indians, and getting kisses from Nanny and Papa, Thomas and Samantha settled down to get this picture taken.

Having Fun at the Museum!

It's been a long time...

I haven't posted for so long, I think I have forgotten how....we have been dealing with what seems like non-stop ear infections in both Thomas and Samantha. This has been my life -- runny noses, fevers, antibiotics (and I was just bragging -- yes, probably so -- that Samantha never had antibiotics until March of this year. Ain't bragging now!), doctor's office visits, co-pays (thank God for insurance), taking off from work. It's been hard. Am I complaining? Sort of. Am I grateful this is all we have to deal with? Absolutely. Our life is one of joy. We are blessed to be where we want to be and with those we want to be with. Who could ask for more?
Here are some random pictures -- some of a belated Easter and our visit with Thomas the Tank Engine. Later on I'll post some pictures of me and my cousins when we were all at my Aunt Dot's memorial service. Until then, have a wonderful Spring.

God is Good and Yes, I'm hiding.

Sunday was a special night. Thomas said the blessing, all by himself. "God is good. God is great. Thank you for our family. Thank you for our food. AMEN." Not only did he say the blessing, but he reminded us that it needed to be said. How great is that?

Sam has a new trick. She will close her eyes, say "Mommy?" and wait for me to say "Where's Sam?" She'll then open her eyes and start laughing! I'll ask her if she's hiding and she says "Ah huh!"

Our First Day at School

A Milestone Month!

For the shortest month of the year, February, 2008 has proven to be a very busy and very significant month for us. Many very happy things and one very sad thing have happened.

The month started with Thomas going to school! He began attending a Mother’s Day Out program two days a week. What a wonderful experience for him. Other than painting, coloring, doing various craft projects and learning about letters, he learned how to be without Mommy, Daddy or Aunt Goo! He learned about teachers and friends and that we don’t drink babas at school! He really enjoyed his time at St. Catherine’s. We called it his “Little School.”

Next, Thomas got a Big-Boy Bed! So far, so good. We have had a few ups and downs (no pun intended, as he has a loft-style bed!), but all in all he has really taken to his bed.

Today, after three wonderful years at Aunt Goo’s, Thomas and Sam started attending day care, or as we call it “Big School.” They both seem to be doing well and seem to be having a good time. The real test will be Monday.

Yesterday, we were saddened by the news that my Aunt Dottie passed away. Aunt Dottie had a soft heart and was a strong woman. She raised two very wonderful, successful and kind-hearted sons, and left us with a life-time of wonderful memories. She loved candy. She LOVED chocolate cake. I learned some very valuable lessons from Aunt Dot. You always knew where Aunt Dot stood. She was not a wishy-washy woman. I admired her for that. I think she was viewed as “grouchy” because she was sensitive. In order to not get her feelings hurt, she would put on her armor, which happened to be her grouchy mood. She will be missed by all who knew and loved her.