Friday, April 21, 2017

1 year

Today marks one year since the worse day of my life.  April 21, 2016 was the day my dad was told he had brain cancer.  By me.  After his surgery Dr. Patel told us the terrible news.  Mom and the three of us.  We were both numb and broken.  What in the world were we going to do?  And, how in the world would we do it?  The sadness was unbearable.  What followed was grueling.  Our life was change forever.  My heart hurts thinking about it.  Dad I miss you.  I love you and I am sorry you are gone. But April 21st was the day.  Not December 18th.  April was the day you had to face the awful truth. December you were with Jesus.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Things that make me cry.

I pulled Thomas' last baby tooth last night "Well, mom that's last part of my childhood" he said.  I cried.  I am having surgery on Tuesday for my broken elbow.  I tripped on a broom handle over the weekend and broke it.  I'm scared.  I want to see my babies grow into adults, go to college, get married and have babies and all that stuff we all want to see for our children.  I had a dream last night that during my surgery I saw my dad.  I cried throughout the surgery.  Part of the crying was Dad wanted me to stay with him.  I did not want to stay.  I'm sure he wanted me to stay because heaven is so wonderful; but where I am is pretty awesome.  My kids and my husband are my life.  I love my life and I love my family.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

See you later Dad.

My dad died last month.  For 8 long months he dealt with dying.  We were all with him throughout it all, but he had to do it alone.  First was the diagnosis; next was the treatment and prognosis; next was the awful news that nothing could be done.  Step by step he came closer to death.  With saying Good-Bye. We were "lucky" that he got to say Good Bye.  I couldn't ever speak the words while he was alive.  He said "Deb, most are not lucky enough to be able to say Good-Bye."  "I know dad, but not yet", I replied.   I know he wasn't afraid to die.  My words -- He was good with God.  He was afraid to leave us.  To know that my sisters and I would have to look after mom.  Would have to fill his shoes with her.  I know he always had faith in us, but he was still in the background.  He could still offer his help if we needed it.  Now its up to us.  We are doing it.  Mom is coping pretty well, but it's so sad that he is not here.  So sad to look for him and know I'm not going to see him at family gatherings.  So sad to know I can't call him.  I know I can talk to him, but it's just not the same.  I have several voicemail messages from him.  Some before he got too sick, a couple close to the end.  They are heartbreaking to hear.  I miss him.  I miss that we will not be able to talk about stuff.  Every day stuff.  Important stuff.  While we said what I think we needed to say, there will be be things that are new.  I have to have faith that he will hear me when I talk and I have to learn to be still so that I can hear him too.  See ya later Dad.  I love you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I'm reminded.

Today I was reminded once again that I have an incredible husband.  He is my rock, my love, and I am his love.  I am go very grateful that he consistently tells me so.

I sometimes think I need the grand gesture, then a gentle breeze blows by and I realize I really do not.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

It's been Too Long!

I am somewhat certain that I am the only one that reads this Blog anymore.  Partly because I do not "advertise" it and mostly because of FaceBook.  Every thing goes on FaceBook.  It is instant.  FaceBook had its ups and downs.  Ups -- connecting with people from your past (which I guess can also be a down), keeping connected to far-away family.  Downs -- it creates a need to know what is always going on, it creates a false-sense of connectivity, and I think it also creates a feeling that we are not measuring up to everyone else.

So much has happened since my last post.  So much joy.  A little pain and loss and anxious times.  The kids are getting so big.  Samantha just turned 7.  7.  Thomas is about to turn 9.  9!  Thomas is still playing baseball and Samantha is playing soccer.  We are always busy.  A good busy.  I see scrolling down, just the tiniest of bits that he was 4 the last time I really posted. 5 years.  A lifetime.  We have moved and have settled into my dream house.  It's been 2 1/2 years.  I love the neighborhood.  I love the school the kids attend.  We are very happy here.  Tom is so glad we made the move.    Occasionally, the kids will say they miss our old house, but that is usually when I have asked them to go upstairs to get something. 

This past July was our biggest scare yet.  My mom had a stroke, well actually 3.  She lost part of her vision in her right eye, lost a substantial part of her cognitive and balancing abilities.  Miraculously, within 6 weeks she had regained a substantial amount of all that was lost.  We are 4 months out and it is amazing.  We have been blessed with such a gift.  Mom is better than before!  Mom has joy, which has been hidden for so long.  Now it shines from her.  She is not yet driving, but Dad is working with her on this.  Dad.  He has been so patient and loving.  It is apparent that he is so in love with Mom.  They have been married for over 50 years and it is such a gift to us.  Tom and I were talking this morning about how Anniversaries should be celebrated more.  Not just by the couple, but the entire family.  It is a shame that they are not looked upon with the importance that they really are.  My heart is so happy that Mom is doing so well.  

We are truly blessed beyond what we deserve.  Thank you God for all your blessings.  Thank you for giving us the grace and strength to get through the trials.  Thank you for opening our eyes to the silver linings and the treasures beneath the surface.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Well, not yet. But, in my mind I am already in our new home. In that home I will be an amazing wife, mother, housekeeper, hostess. I'm not too bad now, but after we move in the house we have not yet bought, I will be brilliant! There are many steps to go before that day. Signing a new mortgage, packing ever stitch of possessions our family has, and then unpacking. I know I sound silly. How will a move transform me into something I clearly am not? Hope and faith. Tremendous hope!

Monday, August 24, 2009

My [private] Kindergartener and almost 3 year old

I cannot believe it have not posted to this site for so long. As you can tell from the picture, the kids are certainly growing. Thomas started private Kindergarten today and Samantha started the 3-year old class. We are now at a new school/day care and I have a really good feeling this was a good move for us.

Dig the boots? I tried to convince Thomas that he did not need the boots (upper 90's today, with not a chance of rain) and that he would not be able to run in them when he went outside to play. He convinced me (after running around the house without tripping) that he needed them. I didn't even try to convince Samantha to leave Barney home.