1 year

Today marks one year since the worse day of my life.  April 21, 2016 was the day my dad was told he had brain cancer.  By me.  After his surgery Dr. Patel told us the terrible news.  Mom and the three of us.  We were both numb and broken.  What in the world were we going to do?  And, how in the world would we do it?  The sadness was unbearable.  What followed was grueling.  Our life was change forever.  My heart hurts thinking about it.  Dad I miss you.  I love you and I am sorry you are gone. But April 21st was the day.  Not December 18th.  April was the day you had to face the awful truth. December you were with Jesus.

Things that make me cry.

I pulled Thomas' last baby tooth last night "Well, mom that's last part of my childhood" he said.  I cried.  I am having surgery on Tuesday for my broken elbow.  I tripped on a broom handle over the weekend and broke it.  I'm scared.  I want to see my babies grow into adults, go to college, get married and have babies and all that stuff we all want to see for our children.  I had a dream last night that during my surgery I saw my dad.  I cried throughout the surgery.  Part of the crying was Dad wanted me to stay with him.  I did not want to stay.  I'm sure he wanted me to stay because heaven is so wonderful; but where I am is pretty awesome.  My kids and my husband are my life.  I love my life and I love my family.

See you later Dad.

My dad died last month.  For 8 long months he dealt with dying.  We were all with him throughout it all, but he had to do it alone.  First was the diagnosis; next was the treatment and prognosis; next was the awful news that nothing could be done.  Step by step he came closer to death.  With saying Good-Bye. We were "lucky" that he got to say Good Bye.  I couldn't ever speak the words while he was alive.  He said "Deb, most are not lucky enough to be able to say Good-Bye."  "I know dad, but not yet", I replied.   I know he wasn't afraid to die.  My words -- He was good with God.  He was afraid to leave us.  To know that my sisters and I would have to look after mom.  Would have to fill his shoes with her.  I know he always had faith in us, but he was still in the background.  He could still offer his help if we needed it.  Now its up to us.  We are doing it.  Mom is coping pretty well, but it's so sad that he is not here.  So sad to look for him and know I'm not going to see him at family gatherings.  So sad to know I can't call him.  I know I can talk to him, but it's just not the same.  I have several voicemail messages from him.  Some before he got too sick, a couple close to the end.  They are heartbreaking to hear.  I miss him.  I miss that we will not be able to talk about stuff.  Every day stuff.  Important stuff.  While we said what I think we needed to say, there will be be things that are new.  I have to have faith that he will hear me when I talk and I have to learn to be still so that I can hear him too.  See ya later Dad.  I love you.